Starry Eyed

So in case anyone missed the myspace post I made recently entitled "a bun in the oven" I'm here to alert lj. As of this week I'm about 11 weeks pregnant. Mom showed up yesterday after I got off of work to take me shopping for my fat clothes. Sadly I'm already gaining weight which as I was told by doctor folk isn't healthy. Apparently I've gained 12lbs. since before conception which would make it almost a pound a week. Wow. Just a few days before all of this was realized I got hired cashiering at Kroger. I haven't told work about my situation becuase technically I'm still in training. I would rather wait for Kroger to invest time and money in me before I break the news that way they'll be more inclined to keep me.

Apparently Eric was going to propose to me at my 23rd b-day party. There were about 60 people in attendance, lots of cajun food, and two live bands...it would have been perfect. He even asked my father's blessing the week before and has a ring. We also didn't know I was pregnant at the time, which would have made all of this even more perfect. My dad gave him his blessing with joy, but cautioned him on the timing. He told him that it might be a good idea to wait until we were both more established financially that way we'd have a better chance of starting a life. So he waited.
Of course I knew about it because I have dumbass friends who can't keep their mouths shut. So I spent the whole night during the party nervous and waiting for "the moment", which needless to say, never came....a few days later we found out we were going to be parents. I told him that someone had tried to convince me that he was going to propose( after it didnt happen I assumed the friend was lieing) and he became outraged. That was when I realized this person/friend wasn't lieing. I was blushing all over, but then quickly realized that he had every right to feel the way he did. I knew it was coming that night...I was expecting it and that's not the way a proposal's supposed to work...at least not the kind I was hoping for.

So now Eric wants to get married before the baby comes. He also wants us to move out into our own apartment in that time. That gives me seven months to save money, get my divorce from Luke, and to plan a wedding. My idea is to stay here at my dad's. Save money by not having to pay rent, get my divorce under way and then after the baby (when I'm not fat) have a nice handfasting. I'm not so sure about getting it all done in seven months, but we'll have to come to some sort of compromise.

Anyway, here's to a safe journey, happy hubby, and healthy baby XOXOXO-Dana

I almost forgot you existed Lj. Bah... Anyway things are getting better and I'm happy to say so. I realize I haven't been all to faithful with this mode of journaling. Trading one mistress for another I suppose. I can only hope forgiveness will be offered. *sigh* So Eric and I have been dating for almost two months and surprisingly things are going smoothly. I think this is probably the first time I haven't had any legitimate complaints in the relationship department. I'm certainly not used to all the doting and pining. Boyfriends actually bring flowers and teddy bears? For no reason? No way. On top of all of these romantic gestures, and random excursions to cabins in the mountains he's opened my eyes to alot of what being me has been about. With that I attended my first N.A. meeting and picked up my white key tag. Technically I'm an alcoholic, but I going through the N.A. program because drinking hasn't been the only problem for me...only a symptom of my addiction. I've never really been in this place within myself. I've always been the nurterer, provider, mother and now everything's flipped upside down. Now I'm the one in the passenger seat and I'm not paying for dinner. I'm really breathing. What a head rush. Anyway, I quit my job at the preschool with absolutely no regrets or reservations. They weren't doing right by the kids. I've been unemployed but I'm not upset about it. Odd. There are things within that need sorting, and mending. Right now I'm in a good place living with my father and I have the time to really take care of myself. I'm getting ready to work for Creepers haunted house which I'm absolutely thrilled about, and I'm planning for Mabon and Samhain. Busy bee.

Well, I guess that's all for now. -Dana

So it's been a minute. I know. What's a Sunday afternoon good for anyway.

Well I started dating Eric again toward the end of July and I have to say I'm really happy. Dave and I finally started really talking and managed to grab a slice of closure which is always important. Things have only begun to look up from there. I got some new glasses, so no more duct tape. Made some new friends, very cool. ...Don't really know what else to say...

I really feel like I should be divulging some great epic story since I haven't really been around much. That was thunder just now...maybe I'll wait for another time.

*sigh* Where do I begin? I've got so many thoughts racing around in my head all itching to be set free. I remain perplexed. I suppose I could start off with updates...

As of last Sunday evening Dave and I officially ended our 1yr. and 4 month (two days shy of 5) relationship.

My bedroom is my own. No one else lives there but me. I feel very strange even saying that out loud and it is taking alot of getting used to. I haven't been single in over three years so I'm feeling a bit like a cripple who suddenly finds himself able to walk. No wheelchair bound person in their right mind who finds the ability to walk has come back to them would just stand up and stand there. I'm pretty sure there would be alot of crying, and cheering, and screaming,and jumping and laughing, and RUNNING! I feel like a wild child. You know how that goes. It's far too easy to go overboard with it. Drown yourself in excess, no matter what the reprocussions. Usually only because this sort of freedom was only a dim dream before, and out of the blue you're not dreaming it, but living it. If I was smart I would probably be taking my time, and cherishing my freedom like a dessert worth savouring. I never claimed to be smart, only clever. So I'm burning my candle at both ends. *phew* It's getting hot in here...

Memorial day weekend was very relaxed! Dad cooked burgers wrapped in bacon in the smoker along with hot dogs and bratwurst. Dave and I bought a watermelon, but we were so full after dinner that we completely forgot about it. It sounds good to me now! Dave will be moving into his apartment tomorrow night and we are both anxious and excited about the change. I'll be saving money by not driving him back and forth to work everyday and we'll both benifit from the space. My job is still fabulous! I've never had it so good. This saturday is drum cirlce at the Lake Claire community land trust and I'm stoked! I think I want to save up and buy a drum so I can do more then dance around the fire. I don't know much about percussion terminology but there was a particular drum I saw that sould either be played sitting on the ground and held between the knees, or it could be strapped around the hips. It was the same one Brandon Boyd from Incubus is often seen playing. *sigh* I'm loving life right now man, fuckin lovin' it! To top all of this fabulousness off next weekend I'm going up to experience a summer concert and festival called Riverbend. Cheyenne is coming to get me on friday and I'll be spending the whole weekend in blissful vacational serenity surrounded by good music, good friends, and good times. SWEET!
I wish all of you the best...well most of you anyway hehe.

It seems everything internet related in my life that I found fun in has faded into the shadows cast by Myspace. What is wrong with me? *sigh* I'm looking forward to the next drum circle at the Lake Claire land trust, and have begun planning for Summer Solstice. In truth I couldn't be busier, but I am very happy and that's all that matters. I know this was short and not much of an update -Dana

Charge of the Beeotch

Listen to the words of the Great Beeotch she who of old is known as Arwen, Inanna, Jaz, Kriselda, Lynna, Raven, Suzi, and Wolfrose, and by many other names, some best left censored:

Whenever you have need of anything once in the month, and better it be when it is not my moontime or any other time when I might be tired or already irritable, then shall you gather and adore me, who am Queen of all Bitches. There shall you gather, you who desire to learn the true Art of Bitchcraft, yet have not honed it to razor sharp precision; to these I will teach the esoterism of true bitchiness. And you shall be free from fluff; and as a sign that you are truly free, you shall cite tradition, correct misconception, bad grammar, spelling errors, and demand proper capitalization, and punctuation. For I am educated and can read above third grade level. Keep pure your highest ideal; strive ever towards it and if anyone tries to stop you, smack them hard upside the head. For mine is the determination to succeed and educate the ignorant.

I am the Queen Mother Bitch, Who can give the Gift of Joy unto the heart of man or woman if you have not seriously ticked me off. On Earth, I give the Knowledge that to communicate effectively and honestly is no crime; and beyond death, I give peace from the fools who have annoyed you and freedom from those fools and reunion with other great Bitches who have gone before you. And actually, I do demand sacrifice, for behold; Putting up with these twits wears on my nerves. I am the Bitch of All Living and My Ire is poured out upon the Earth when I am grumpy.

Hear ye the Words of the Star Goddess: She under Whose Feet all stupid people are Dust, Whose Body encircleth the Universe especially when She is bloated.

I, Who am the Bitch Queen of the Earth and the Black Mood amongst the Stars, and the Mystery of why idiots are not drowned in my Waters, and the Desire of the heart of man to avoid Me when I get like this. I call unto thy soul, all ye who would be Bitches: "Arise! And come unto Me!"

For I am the Soul of the Bitch, Who giveth Crap back to the Universe: from Me all things proceed, and unto Me all things must return and if they don't get here fast enough, I may hurt something. And before My Face, which is bitchy and known to all gods and men, thine innermost Bitch Self shall be enfolded in the Rapture of the Infinite Bitch.

Let My Worship be within the heart that tolerates no shit, for behold: all acts of bitchiness and honesty are my rituals. And therefore let there be bitching and strength, honesty and compassion, honor and humor, mirth and reverence within you.

And thou who thinkest to seek for Me, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not, unless thou knowest the Mystery: that if thou are stupid who seekest Me, then thou shalt never find Me.

For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning; and I am That which is attained at the end of PMS.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Copyright © 2001 Arwen Nightstar and Gwen Wolfrose, all rights reserved.
May be reposted anywhere so long as this copyright is included.

I can't believe my work week is already at it's end. I was just starting to become adjusted to it. Work has been very good as usual and I have no complaints. I suppose there really is a first time for everything. Beltane is fast approaching and I haven't really sat down to brainstorm a ritual yet. I have been spending heaps and heaps of personal time researching everything I could get my hands on for this celebration. Refreshing the memory is always a good thing, especially with a memory like mine. The Wendi Lady and her HusbandCreature have been invited to the evening of merriment, but now I'm all sorts of self conscious. Wendi's counterpart made it very clear that he is ULTRAOLDSCHOOLORTHODOXWICCAN and I wonder if my laid back, intuition based, artsy ritual design will be disconcerting for him. I doubt it, and I'm pretty sure I'm only playing to my insecurities, but still I feel odd. In any case the celebration is slowly but surely coming into full view and I'm getting very excited by the thought! I wish I knew how to belly dance. Something tells me I'm going to want to move the way that indian women of old full of the power of persuasion moved. I can already hear the faerie music brimming in the small wooded spaces of my backyard and on my smoke breaks I have sworn I could feel the eyes of the wood on me. Imagination? Green Man? Or just plain sillyness? I don't think it really matters either way you look at it, because it makes me happy and that's truthfully the bottom line. I found a qoute today from an article on www.witchvox.com about Beltane that touched my heart.

"We need Beltane, as the Earth needs the sun, for our very spirit cries out for the renewel of summer jubilation"

I got new work pants, and regular pants and a Beatles t-shirt....but the best part of my day was this right here...(Brought to you by the brilliant photography of my uncle Bryan) http://www.bryanheld.com/DH.html

I woke up around eleven am and decided to cook breakfast for everyone. I spent some time and it turned out deliciously! We had scrambled cheese eggs, sauteed red potatoes and onions, and blueberry muffins. I also baked cookies with little pink bunny heads in the centers. It wasnt really a breakfast item, but it all worked well in the end. I think we all had a good laugh when my brother Max started putting the cheese eggs on top of his cookies. After that, Dave and Max and I cleaned the house from top to bottom and prepared for my uncles to arrive. Dave and I headed out to the Chattahoochee River park at Collumns drive off of Johnson's Ferry in search of a cemetary my uncle informed me of. He mountain bikes the trails in this park and he told me that up one of the side trails that's mostly hidden is a small family graveyard. I decided today was a good day for an adventure so we grabbed some crayons and some news print. We found the place as overgrown as it was. It had a small rusty iron fence around it and the gate was locked. There was a hole someone had made in the side of the gate so we climbed in to find only two head stones. Now this had to be the most intersting arrangement I had ever seen! One of the stones was an obilisque(sp?) shape and usually with those you'll find a name on the front and nothing more. This one had four names on each of it's four sides. It's called a head stone because your head rests beneathe the stone. So, it appeared to us that there were four people buried in four directions. We had my brother's gps gadget with us and found out that they were actually facing the four cardinal directions. The mother at the north, the father at the south and the children at the east and west. HOW VERY CURIOUS! Back in the 1800's it was customary tradition for all the deceased to be buried facing either the north or the east, and it was usually the east because Christ was supposed to return in the eastern sky. I found it all very strange and mysterious. We got some good rubbings off of the stones and turned back down the trail to go home. At home dad had smoked some fish and potatos and garlic bread. FABULOUS! My uncle Bryan took digital photos of all of my paintings against a black back drop. He's going to mail them to me and help me set up a site so I can really start to get my name out there!

Now that everyone's gone I have to time to reflect over my wonderful weekend off of work and prepare for tomorrow. I hope everybody had a great day and may the creator spirit, mother father, one in all bless and keep you!

I feel like ass, and I actually think this is the tail end of the flu/cold/allergy/WHATEVER/ I've been dealing with all week. The cold medicine has been giving me all sorts of wacky dreams, but I am enjoying being knocked out. Tis the beginning of the weekend and a feeling of joy has come over me, but it's not the typical emotion. I keep hearing myself in my head saying "Nothing in the life means anything at all except true happiness." I've been on this weird kick where I feel like no matter what I own, or experience it's all meaningless in a comical way, because I can't take any of it with me when I leave this life.
I spent over three ours today meditating in my front yard and it wasn't really intentional. I originally came out for a smoke and wound up in such awe of the spring day that I HAD to write about it. I know I know...I'm a total hippi, but I just had to. So while sitting there writing about mushy things like pink azaleas and buzzing bees I stopped to listen. I mean really really listen. I found something deeper than a chirp here or there or the creek of a swaying pine. I listened until I heard the low vibration of the planet and her song sounded like a groan in the belly. I suddenly felt my spirit mingling in it's natural place with the elements. I saw my ethereal form flowing round and round in a whirlpool in the sky, full of dancing spirits like me. I instantly felt connected to the "earth family" and realized that whether two legged, four, or even no legs, we are all walking this sacred path together. I was SO lost in this strange meditation. When I came to there was this odd glow covering everything and no, it wasn't the pollen. I felt like I had just been gifted with new vision. Thinking about it in retrospect and calling on my love of history this would be called the Shaman's vision, and dance I joined was the sacred dance of the cirlce. This is classic native american spiritualism, but something happened in me today and I just slipped right into this cosmic slot for a moment.



This might all sound like hogwash to you, but I'm not making any appologies.

Today I revieced my first pay check from my new job. I had this weird sense of satisfaction as I cashed it and a wave washed me over. I have been out of work for nearly a year, and all of the sudden here I am. I am contributing to society again, not to mention furthering my own well being and that of my relationship. While I was unemployed I would shirk off the idea of money and complain that it was meaningless, mostly to make myself feel better for being a bum. I know I know this is really cliche, but I feel good about myself and in a way I haven't in a long time. Yeah I feel good for other reasons, and lots of other things make me happy but I'm finally doing something to get my shitty life off of the ground. *sigh*

Not much else to report here. I hope everyone is doing well.

My breathe is cold and can be seen easily
in comparison to the darkened sky
I thought spring had finally made her debut
yet I wait and wait
I wait like the sun
I wait like contemplation
because its all I've got left
the waiting
I wait for the both of you
to wake up
to stand up
to take up your banners and go
marching forward
into the belly of the beast
she won't wait the way I will
and when the beast attacks
you will wish
and hope
and pray that you had done as I asked so fervently
all this time... Dh06.




I do not want this
not for you
haven't you allowed yourself enough
it could be so simple
but I think you like it
you enjoy the thought
the martyr
the wounded hero
the reluctant lover
did you really just wake up to find
me on your mind?
was it that easy to replace years of lost affection?
Where mountains so frozen and barren had stood
there suddenly was growth?
and life?
and vegetation that even the mountain
could no longer remember?
it all sounds so fantastic
and dreamed up
and maybe if you go back to sleep
you can dream it the way
it's supposed to be
and I won't be the spring time Goddess
I'll be the queen of what is
and what should never be. Dh06

I revieced for makeup from Laurie last night, and shook my head as I stated over and over
"you're spoiling me rotten". I think she brushed the comment aside in favour of teaching me how to apply some red glitter from Hard Candy. Anyhow, I'm feeling a bit down today. I had to make some decisions that weren't really what I wanted to do, but what I needed to do. I had to be *gasp* an adult! It felt strange and possibly toxic, but only time will tell. *sigh* Well, time to go pick up the boyfriend from work.

It's been awhile since my last post. I was introduced to myspace and quickly formed an addiction, but I haven't determined if it's entirely unhealthy yet. I love the fact that my space gets a theme song of my choice...that's what sold me. Anyhow, I've got a job working with kids at Sunbrooke Academy. I'm with the babies that are just starting to crawl and just getting off of formula. I'm only going for part time right now, but I'm really excited about this opportunity. I want to say thankyou to Strega42 for her post a while back about the prayer for finding your right workplace. I've carried it with me ever since and it really has been wonderful! My dad's best friend Laurie is going to be staying with us for a few weeks. Her husband of ten years is apparently in love with some white trash two bit whore. My dad has been in love with her pretty much as long as they've known eachother. I'm not really sure what's going to happen while she's here, vulnerable and upset. *winks* I just hope no one feels weird afterwards. Anyhow, last week Laurie felt the needed to dote on me which made me feel a little odd because she wanted to do it the way mom's and
daughters do it. Girly style. My mother wouldn't even let me play with her make up as a kid. She even put a lock on her bedroom door just to make sure I never tried anything. So Laurie, works for Urban Decay and she also sells Hard Candy.(some of the best makeup I've ever gotten my hands on) So she gave me over 500.00$ worth of makeup from both companies. Everything smells and tastes like something you can eat. The foundation is called sugar cookie and it actually smells like sugar cookie dough. Then she decides I need clothes. If you haven't already guessed Laurie's tastes are a bit expensive (urban decay mascara is 17.00) She gave me over 2000.00$ worth in responsible, respectable, professional clothes. I'm talking 100.00$ suede pants, 275.00$ matching jacket, a whole bunch of Ralph Lauren shirts, sweaters, and blouses and much much much more. I've never owned anything that was dry clean only. OMG! So I look fabulous, I smell great and I have a kickass new job. I've got to give thanks! Goddess Bless!

http://wicked-wish.livejournal.com/463017.html


Please read...for the love of bob please fuckin' read. OMFG...FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel odd. Physically odd. Not sure why.

We had spagetti and the cats are mellow. I still feel odd.

There's no real way of explaining this without sounding absolutely out of my mind but I feel like I should share this with someone and for the record I am not on drugs. Earlier this evening as Dave was walking out of the bedroom I watched my flip flops fall from a foot above the floor unsupported by anything around them. They were in the middle of the room with nothing beneath or on any side and I thought for a moment that I was suffering from some delusion. Bad spagetti? Stress? Llammas? I yelled for Dave to come back as I began to freak the hell out. I was pointing at the shoes as I explained and he walked over and nudged them with his foot. He invited me out for a smoke suggesting I could use some air.

I'm pagan and I believe in magcik, but anyone who's pagan knows flip flops don't fly. Am I losin' it?

Driving back home from Dave's work today I heard that still small voice that is Goddess within me. She said to me " Why do you think you've picked so many mothers in your life time?" The question opened a flood gate of understanding on things I had never really thought of before.

Angela- The woman who led the youth group at my old church
Susan- Lindsey's mom
Mommy- Marisa's mom
Lorie- My dad's best friend

Why was it that I felt so many women were necessary to fill the gap that my mother had created in me? Why was I only now acknowledging that gap? Had I never seen it until this moment?

I sought these women because they posessed qualities that my own mother did not. They provided unbiased opinions, passed no judgement, and gave guidance I had never known. They were all women of power in my life, wise women who seemed gifted to me at the time. The truth is they weren't really gifted at all, but their actions appeared that way in comparison to my own mother. Angela radiated the love of our creator. It simply sang out of every bit of her and you could feel that magnificent love at all times. When she wasn't uplifting you and encouraging you she was laughing. I knew no matter what faith system I assigned myself to that my creator loved and would always love me because of her. My own mother told me at a very early age that the persuit of anything other than Christ would have me burning in hell and she didn't sugar coat it. Susan was the kind of mom every kid wants. She trusted her children and gave them room for self expression. She allowed her daughter to cook by herself. Now before you do a double take on that sentence let me explain. I always believed I just wasn't responsible enough to be capable of cooking alone at the age of thirteen. I was never allowed in the kitchen for such purposes unless mom was already there. I know it's hard to wrap your brain around but if you can picture my astonishment during a sleepover when Lindsey asked if I was hungry and simply waltzed into the kitchen and began to prepare food. I think I'm beginning to paint a decent picture of how backwards my brain had been trained to operate. Mommy was the epitomy of everything I wanted in a mother. She was honest, willing to grant responsibility, educated, and enduring. I think I was more in love with the idea of a woman like her because the concept of actually having a wise woman like that in my floored me. Not to mention she aided in my long needed spiritual awakening. She took a stray like me in without asking questions and automatically considered me one of the family. I couldn't even hope for that amount of honesty, beauty, and determination to blaze a unique path from my mother. Last but not least comes Lorie. She has known me all of my life and quite honestly is the perfect match for my father. She encourages me. That seems like a short and sweet nothing, but please understand that she wanted to be involved in my life. That still doesnt cut it because it sounds like something any mother would want. My mother didn't let me play in her makeup, or try on her heels. She grounded me at thirteen for shaving my legs. She put a lock on her bedroom door to discourage me from stealing her underwear. I have huge boobs, and have always been at least fifty pounds heavier than my mom how could I possibly wear her underwear? We never went on girly shopping trips, and I was never allowed to speak with my mother about my problems. Lorie simply talks to me, she tells me I'm capable of anything. Today I was making incense and she asked what I was up to. I teared up at the thought of the question. It wasn't rhetorical she really did want to know and when I started explaining she didn't walk away while I was in mid sentence the way my mother always had she actually sat down with me on the floor and started giving me suggestions, and asking to smell all the different things I had made. My heart was so full of gratitude and happiness I cried right then and there. It must have looked so incredibly strange but please understand.


To the still and small voice that has played cosmic mother to me all my life and has brought so many wise women of power into my life I give humble thanks. I love you!

Blodeuwedd, Rhiannon, Cerridwen, Arianrhod, and Branwen...my mothers from the sacred isle how could I ever repay the good you have brought into my soul?


Whether She be an architype of consciousness
or a living breathing force
Whether She be a friend from a dream
or a deity seated high apon a throne
She is
and always will be
my beating heart

I belong in the service of the queen DH06